“Biblical” patriarchy: Here’s how you replaced God

“Everything came to a head in my mid-twenties,” she was saying. “So that’s when I finally got out.” She balanced her child on her knee as she spoke. “I want to help others get out.”

I was having tea with a daughter of patriarchy.

She told me one story after another, about her own life and the lives of others, about control and domination and refusal to allow independent thinking and for some, eventual escapes.

“So of all the ones you know who got out,” I asked, “how many are still following Christ?”

My new friend paused, figuring. “I guess three out of about thirty that I know for sure.”

Three out of thirty. Ten percent were still following Jesus.

She was one of that ten percent. She was one of the small minority who had left this  system but still looked for freedom and hope and truth in the Christ who is shown in the Scriptures and through the Spirit.

I thought about the young people the parents of patriarchy used to be, when we all sat in homeschool conventions together in the 1980s and 1990s, the air crackling with the energy of hope and optimism that we would raise up a godly generation.

The homeschool conventions I attended got to be very large, with a wide range of choices for curriculum ideas.

What had happened in those intervening years? How had so many of them gone so far astray as to think oppression, manipulation, threats, and control were part of the right way to raise their children, especially their daughters, in godliness?

My father told me so often that God works through men to reveal his will for women. My parents nailed me with it before I left home: ‘You can’t know God’s will without a father or husband. Women are too easily deceived. They cannot trust their own hearts.’”  


I don’t mean to be saying that oppression, manipulation, threats, and control this extreme are present in every patriarchal family. . . . But it’s been the case in the majority of the ones I’ve heard about.

But the root problem . . . the root problem isn’t that oppression.

The root problem of God’s Old Covenant people

God’s Old Covenant people were oppressors too. Their sin of oppression is described in the Old Testament prophets—Isaiah 1 and Jeremiah 5 give just two examples. (And as a side note, among the beautiful promises God made in this book is that those who mourned—that is, the oppressed—would be comforted.)

But what did God say was the root problem?

You have left Me.

The root problem of patriarchy

The root problem in patriarchy for many of its adherents is that while lip service was being given to Jesus Christ, He Himself was removed from the place of centrality and supremacy in their individual lives, their families, and their churches.

Maybe many of the people who followed patriarchy said, “I did all those things wrong when I was a teenager, so now I’m going to follow in this path, and then my children won’t do any of those wrong things. They won’t make any of those mistakes.” Maybe they put a system in the center of their lives where the Jesus Christ belonged.

So, in my mulling and pondering, I remembered a significant incident from my own life in about 2002, around fifteen years ago.

My own experience with this replacement

I was asked to speak at a gathering of about two hundred homeschooling mothers, at an annual “ladies’ luncheon and curriculum sale” (which I usually didn’t attend because it cost twenty dollars, but if I spoke I got to go for free). The leader, whom I had recently met and whom I didn’t know well, asked several different local women every year.

I recall that an encouraging friend said to me, “Maybe after you do this, you’ll get asked to speak other places too.”

When I asked the leader what I should speak on, she said, “Whatever the Lord lays on your heart.”

Well, indeed there was something the Lord was laying on my heart at that time, a phenomenon I was observing in the homeschooling world that I figured was simply an error, a mistake that needed a reminder.

I worked for many days on my hour-long talk, with much prayer, making posters and cut-outs (that would look oh-so-archaic now) with this theme:

Don’t forget that Jesus Christ should be at the center of your life. Don’t make the mistake of letting your husband or your children take that center role. As homeschoolers it’s so easy for us to fall into this error, so we need to keep recalibrating our hearts toward Him.

My poster diagram was fancier than this, with more circles and arrows and other things, but this was more or less the basic thrust of it.

I dressed it up with funny stories and passionate examples and all the rest, but in my mind I knew all I was doing was reminding them of truth. I knew I was telling them something they already knew.

But as it turned out, I was wrong. As it turned out, I was saying something extremely controversial.

Afterwards, my encouraging friend said, “That was really good. But a whole lot of women here aren’t going to like it.”

I was taken aback. “Why?” I mean, this was just something obvious and extremely non-controversial. How could they possibly disagree with it?

“Because they believe their husbands should be at the center of their lives.”

I remember staring at her, wondering if she was joking. “You’re kidding,” I said.

“No, I’m not. That’s what they believe.”

Now, that story shows you how clueless I was. And the word patriarchy was never mentioned. But that was what I was up against.

I’m sure after she heard me speak, the leader had second thoughts about inviting women to speak on whatever the Lord laid on their heart. (And I was never invited back!)

But I didn’t follow up on the mystery of it all, maybe because I felt intimidated, maybe because my life was full with homeschooling and caring for a mother-in-law with Alzheimer’s.

And because I didn’t, I never really investigated what my friend was talking about until years later when I began to read online about the problems with patriarchy, from the people who were coming out of it.

And yes, it’s really idolatry

I’ve blogged before about idolatry and how I wish Christians wouldn’t be so quick to accuse themselves and others of it. (Among other things, don’t confuse idolatry with grief, fear, or doubt, don’t think all Christians are idol factories, and don’t think that every sin has to have an idol at its base.)

But idolatry is real when someone consciously puts something else at the center of his life, where Jesus Christ alone belongs, as the case of any woman who willfully does this with her husband. It’s idolatry even if you think that person or thing you’re putting at the center is going to help you reach God. After all, that’s what all the idols of any religion are about.

Jesus Christ is the only right way to reach God. There is to be no one between you and Him.

It’s about desires. When you think “what is my deepest heart desire,” and the answer is something other than the love and joy of Jesus Christ, then idolatry is incipient at the very least.

A clash of kingdoms

 “My father told me so often that God works through men to reveal his will for women. ‘You can’t know God’s will without a father or husband.”   


This clash of kingdoms is what I wrote about in a blog post years ago (link) regarding patriarchy. Whose desires will the women and young adults of patriarchy consider first? Whose kingdom will be promoted? The Kingdom of God or the kingdom of man?  Will Jesus Christ be both central and supreme for each one of His people?

What does the Kingdom of God look like? “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength,” Jesus said in Matthew 22:37 regarding the vertical relationship. And regarding the horizontal relationships He said in Matthew 20:25-26, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. But it is not this way among you. But whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant.”  Love and service, not earthly “lordship”: this is what the Kingdom of God looks like.

Who is worthy to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise? Revelation 5:12 says it is the Lord of that transcendent Kingdom, Jesus Christ. And in relation to that Kingdom, “We ought to obey God rather than men,” said the apostles in Acts 5:29. When there is a disparity between the will of God and the will of man, then the will of God holds sway.

These are kingdoms in conflict.

Broken cisterns for living water

So many of my generation, the generation that caused the air to crackle with the energy of hope and enthusiasm at those early homeschool conventions, put something else at the center of their lives and their ministries. They made something else the focus of their hopes. So many of them expected to find LIFE in something other than Jesus Christ alone.

Be appalled at this, O heavens! Be utterly horrified and dumbfounded,” says the LORD. “My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me—the spring of living water—and they dug their own cisterns—cracked cisterns that hold no water.

I’m appalled, with the heavens. I’m horrified and dumbfounded. I never imagined, those years ago, that this would happen.

What are their broken cisterns?

A system. They put their trust in the system of patriarchy, thinking if they would cleave to the system, all would turn out well. But if we just work harder at keeping the rules and commands, all will be well. All will surely be well. God will see the works of our own hands and surely bless them.

A person. They exalted the man, the flawed (and sometimes duplicitously wicked) man, the husband/father or sometimes the pastor or another leader, to the place where Jesus Himself should be. They looked to the man to give them the words of Jesus Christ, to stand in His place. God will surely see how much we honor the man He put in a place of authority over us, and all will surely be well, He will surely bless us.

An institution. The family became an idol, the picture-perfect family, and I mean that literally. Do you know how many patriarchal families have looked picture-perfect while all hell is breaking loose behind closed doors? But just look at those pictures; God will surely honor how godly our family looks and all will be well and we’ll raise up a godly generation if it kills us and them.

 Whose kingdom will be promoted? The Kingdom of God or the kingdom of man?

Will Jesus Christ be both central and supreme for each one of His people?

PART TWO is here: “To those in ‘Biblical’ Patriarchy: return to God”

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Dale Ingraham @ Speaking Truth In Love Ministries
Guest

As always, this is very good, Rebecca.

examining everything
Guest
examining everything

The part about “if you think your idols are helping you get to the real God, they are still idols. After all that’s what all idols are” had a big impact on me as I thought about the golden calf. I remember being told that the calf was just a way of worshipping the true God.

You also pointed out the “obey God not men” and that when they clash – God is what rules – is so central to everything – and challenging.

It made me think of the young people who say “I don’t do xyz because my father/parents wouldn’t let me or don’t believe in that,” “I couldn’t be in a courtship with him/her because my parents aren’t reformed and it makes them furious.” I’ve heard that from young (homeschooled ) men – that they can’t go to college or get a job – or that they are forced to go to college or work for their parents – or that their relationship with their parents fell apart when they left their parents’ church or ate pork – or believed in non-charismatic ways or non-reformed ways or wanted to date/marry a girl who is not “Jewish minded” or ?

These are young adults whose parents have determined what their kids can/can’t do in secondary areas and then hold out their blessing, financial support and relationship with their child as blackmail to make their child do what they want.

That is emotional manipulation at best and emotional abuse in worse cases.

The thing is that by this point for most of these young adults, especially the girls, it’s not that difficult to get their compliance because the kids are trained by now not to think for themselves or to have desires – so they say “I want to do courtship,” “I want to be a stay at home daughter,” “I want to become an engineer/farmer like my dad,” etc because it is so ingrained that that is their openly choice and they wouldn’t dare cross their parents or even have different desires. In abuse/oppression you don’t have your own desires or thinking.

The kids that end up with their own ideas have been exposed to things outside the family (not isolated). It’s no wonder the diehards keep their kids from those experiences, it does spoil their plan. But for the kids it adds to the damage that is done. Their parents are their only world and that isolation and brainwashing is abuse.

Many diehard homeschool families don’t go to church because their kids get exposed to “wrong” ideas there. So they live in the wilderness and do church alone or with a couple other families (really) that they eventually have a falling out with. These patriarchal dads can’t find anyone identical to them that’s safe for their kids to play with. They can’t be friends with someone who reads Narnia books or anything except missionary biographies or watches modern movies or if their daughters wear pants etc. It’s so hard not to offend them when inviting a family over, because it’s not okay to be different. The kids are raised to view others in this self-righteous judgmental way.

Jessica
Guest
Jessica

Wow!

“Many diehard homeschool families don’t go to church because their kids get exposed to “wrong” ideas there. So they live in the wilderness and do church alone”

This was my family. Interesting to know other diehards did the same.

My father started following the patriarchy movement and eventually pulled us out of church and we did ‘home church’ in our rural town. He said he was the pastor since he was the leader of his family. I come from a large family and he also didn’t believe that we needed to have too many friends, that our siblings should be our friends.

“It’s so hard not to offend them when inviting a family over, because it’s not okay to be different.”

This too. After finally breaking free from my father’s tyrannical system, we had a huge falling out where we don’t even talk until this day. I received an email from him that I am not permitted to talk to my siblings without his consent because I don’t agree with my family. Besides throwing his family away, he also threw away friends for not agreeing with him too.

The patriarchy movement is destructive. Period. It has been years of sorting for me between what is truth and what are unbiblical teachings that just keep people in bondage.

examining everything
Guest
examining everything

continued . . .

There is no love for others, no freedom and no love within the family, just control. I guess it comes from that fear that we will lose our kids from our own specific ideas and that it will be a slippery slope that will lead them from God altogether. Maybe it’s even a deeper unspoken fear of them rejecting us as parents by not being just like us and that others would see that and think that we are bad parents and we would lose our peers and reputation in that cult or that our kids wouldn’t like us if they think differently about music or clothing etc., that it is a rejection of us.

I think that the doctrine of obeying earthly authorities is way overemphasized. It is true but not balanced. My kids at church heard it in every kids’ meeting (“disobey your parents only if they ask you to sin – like rob a bank”). The focus is the parents, not God, and it is said to parents “you are God to your children.” Like John Piper recently said in a blog post, and that is said to the kids too. Your parents are God to you until you are old enough – like 30 years old? Or ever?

I think the deeper reason behind why parents isolate is not trusting God to work in our kids’ lives, which goes back to the parents’ own faith and living that out, as parents, when the stakes in life feel higher. But parents have to model true faith and trust in God, even in their parenting–or especially in their parenting–if they want their children to have true faith and trust in God. The reason their kids leave the faith is the hypocrisy of their parents.

I am just at a place where I am examining everything.

Your article is thought provoking! And I pray that it is for others as well!

Jessica
Guest
Jessica

So looking forward to Part 2! Another aspect of patriarchy is the man’s desire to control which is of course ultimately removing Jesus Christ from the throne. Some patriarchy followers may genuinely believe what they believe because they think it’s what God wants, but I think for many (or most) it’s the deep desire, whether conscious or subconscious, to control.

Oh, and as I was cleaning out my attic the other day I came across two Vision Forum patriarchy DVD’s my mother gave me: ‘The Return of the Daughters’ and ‘What is Femininity?’. Of course, I wasn’t thrilled to receive them as gifts years ago, but watched them and well, if you feel like getting mad, you should definitely watch them! ‘The Return of the Daughters’ was about daughters returning from their “selfish” snd “feministic” ways, such as attending college, so that they could work for their fathers (until they were married off to someone their fathers approved of). I think it was the Botkin girls that went as far as making sure to wear clothing in their father’s favorite colors to please him…as if he was their husband!

momzilla76
Guest
momzilla76

Just this year I have realized how much patriarchy stuff I had been exposed to and assimilated. Even though I only had a peripheral association with such thing the crud did seep in a mess with me and my views about family, marriage and even God.
Keep up the good writing work about exposing this kind of crud

Eleanor Skelton
Guest
Eleanor Skelton

WOW. Thank you so, so much for writing this.

bunkababy
Guest
bunkababy

Well aren’t you a breath of fresh air.
While I was not saddled with Patriarchy growing up, my experience at church was horrifying . That is another subject altogether.
I did get drawn into homeschooling in Canada. From what I can recall in those mid 90’s, was the appeal of wholesomeness. They made it look Godly. They made it look superior to public or Christian schooling.
What I found interesting was that as soon as you made that decision to home school all of a sudden we were apart of an elite group. All of a sudden it made us better parents. It made us more spiritual parents. All of this was hidden in idealism. Hidden in hope. Hidden in faith.

As I look back I can almost feel the air of arrogant pride creeping in my thoughts.I valued my children so much I was not going to allow their heads to be filled up with worldly ideas, notions.etc.
My kids would be wholesome , godly. I had control of my kids, not the school system.
One of the very first conferences we went to was put on by Gregg Harris. He made it sound so good. We bought his season of life cassette tape series.

Patriarchy really wasn’t a “thing” back then in Canada.
I cannot fully recollect what curriculum ushered it in but, I do recall words like “Classical Education”
or Vision Forums stuff. Abeka. MathUSee stuff like that. Train up a Child, Honey for your Childs Heart…..and junk like that.

I find all the literature, teaching, and the endorsing of programs much like a used car salesman. The product he pitches is new,shiny, it will surely give you safe, secure, ride that will pave your way to success as you drive off into the sunset.

Homeschooling appeared to be a Godly approach but it was a trap for those people to get caught up into a movement which then branched out to so many different teachings . It actually bred a whole new era of rogue wanna be preachers/teachers/ and who knows who else to influence parents far more negatively than any public school.

To be honest I hated school passionately as a kid. And when my kids were school age I hated it equally as much. So my plan was to make learning fun. All I was interested in was fun.
Thank goodness for that!!!! I think I saved my kids and family from so much heartache and sorrow.

Homeschooling didn’t last long. We moved excessively. My kids were at home for portions of time.Some time was spent at Catholic Schools…which was a fantastic experience or just plain old public school.

Each of my children spent at least 4 years each at home for various reasons. But all ended school in high school and graduated.

I think part of the problem with Patriarchy is the misunderstanding of the Old Covenant vs the New Covenant and our understanding that we are New Covenant Christians and what does that really mean?

It became easy with the onslaught on these rogue teachers to become deceived into things. Instead of reading scripture, allowing the HS to speak to us we allowed other deceptive teaching in our lives to lead us astray. We took their word for it. We let others be our watchman. We took their interpretation of scripture and put it above the Bible.

It still is happening in all walks of Christianity. There is always a new Jesus, and a new Christ,a new phenomena. People getting carried away by every wind of doctrine.

The funny thing is this wayward doctrine has never really changed. The tactics of Satan are the same, his usage of twisting scripture is the same.
Patriarchy was the mainstay of the Roman Empire. People creating their own doctrines and bringing them into the church.

I kind of laugh and my husband thinks I am too extreme, but in my personal belief system I really think this “quiverfull’ movement is nothing more than another form of worshiping fertility. People through out the ages have worshiped fertility goddesses.
Why not become your own fertility Goddess? Why not worship the womb? It’s worshiping the created rather than the creator.

“Blessings” have become nothing more than the fruit of this idolatry . Anyhow those are my own thoughts .”Purity” has become another form of Idolatry.

And in patriarchy sex has become another god. I won’t go down that path of thinking on here but in my mind it is nothing more than sexual perversion you would have found in Rome. Just wrapped up neat and tidy in a “Godly” marriage.

Thanks for letting me ramble on…..and thank you for posting. I had spent the day trying to unravel a prominent bloggers theology, and her ungodly way of dealing with people who didn’t fall in line with her thinking. It is heartbreaking , sad, grievous , and frustrating. So finding this here was quite refreshing.

Benjamin Chung
Guest

young lady, don’t you think patriarchy is the biblical teaching? What do you do when you find this in your bible, do have rip out those pages? I would,.

momzilla76
Guest
momzilla76

Patriarchy has to be sewn into scripture except where it is mentioned as part of the old testament culture. There is no patriarchy in the new covenant.

David John Finnamore
Guest

I wish we wouldn’t let the world steal the word patriarch. The Bible always uses it in a positive sense, so using it to mean something other than the fathers of the faith, especially using it negatively, is problematic for receiving sound doctrine from scripture. I fully agree with you about what you’re arguing against. I just wish we wouldn’t join the world in calling it patriarchy.

Andrea Caruso
Guest
Andrea Caruso

Thank you for helping me to more fully understand the inner workings and roots of Patriarchal Christianity. The Lord has chiseled out (painfully in most cases) a recognition that Patriarchal Christianity is rampant and actively seeking the “little ones to deceive”! Having been involved with numerous narcissistic people (including a father, brother, sister & a handful of men in supposed Christian relationships), The Lord has taught me so many things and brought me to a number of epiphanies. My epiphany of late has illuminated the “marriage” of narcissists and the Patriarchal based church. The circular critical swirling of a narcissist seeking power & finding it beautifully cemented & encouraged in patriarchal Christianity is a match made in hell. Patriarchal Christianity feeds narcissism by affirming the self (male) superiority & self absorption. This is all predicated on and fed by the “pathetic, feeble & disobedient” women that God wants the man to “Wash with the (man’s interpretation of) the Word”! (And the feeble, weak and sinful women fit perfectly into his actual narcissistic hatred of women!)
And when he runs into a halfway intelligent woman, that actually knows scripture…he puts on his Sunday Best portrayal of a loving Christian man seeking to “attain” the kind of woman he deserves! All is well UNTIL, her faith, knowledge of The Word (in its entirety) and understanding of narcissism with a well-honed radar for lies & distortion combine to hold a pretty convincing mirror up to them, showing them who they really are.
BAM! When the truth would normally “set a believer free”, for the Narc, the gloves come off as they try to climb atop their superior precipice again by hurling every “Jezebel”, “Harlot”, “Disobedient” term at you like a salad shooter, only stopping to put on the “Christ-like mask”, spewing vapid compliments to distract and glean absolution……. while he reloads for round two, three, four….
It is so clearly a replacement of God and I applaud all you do to enlighten the lost and dissuade the perpetrators!